Living in 'Interesting Times'

It's been a while since I last posted here, and much has happened in the last few months. Last Tuesday I returned from an extended trip (just over 6 weeks) to Sydney. The reason for this trip was to support Mum through some medical stuff.

After many months of vague symptoms, weight loss, myriad tests, scans and doctor visits, Mum was (finally) diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (although it’s a slower-growing type of cancer than the aggressive, fast-growing type that is usually associated with the term ‘pancreatic cancer’).

I went to Sydney to be with Mum through the final stages of tests, biopsies, scans etc, (initially expecting to be there to support her through major surgery to remove the tumour), but when metastases were detected in both lungs, the oncologist told us that surgery would no longer be an option, and that she would be managed with chemotherapy. He told us that the chemo would not get rid of the cancer completely, but just slow down its progress, and hopefully give her longer to live, and a better quality of life during that time. When asked about the prognosis, he hedged a bit and said the average is ‘numerous months’, but because Mum is otherwise quite healthy and fit for her age, and hasn’t yet started manifesting any significant symptoms of the cancer, she will most likely survive longer than the average. (so what this means, we’re still not sure... could be six months, six years or anything in between).

It all came as quite a shock, and many tears have been shed since that meeting with the oncologist. But Mum is doing quite well on her chemotherapy regimen (which is a drug with very few side effects- so she won’t lose her hair, and has not experienced any nausea or vomiting, just weariness). She’s had one full cycle of three weeks on, one week off, and on Friday had the second treatment of her second cycle, and continues to do well (and enjoy the 'dex high' from the anti-nausea steroid drug). She is determined to remain positive, is not afraid of dying, as she says she has lived a good life, and has no intention of sitting in a corner crying for whatever time she has left.

I was very glad to have the space to spend such an extended time with her as we both went through this experience. I'm very grateful to the Presbytery, and my parishes for being flexible and generous in allowing me (actually, I think it was more of a case of ordering me) to take compassionate leave to be with Mum during this time.

Since I've been home, the hugeness of what all this means has hit me in a new way, and the confluence of this delayed grief response with a couple of other things that have been emotionally difficult in the last couple of weeks, has made me rather emotionally fragile. 

I'm very grateful to have many good friends who have been amazingly supportive through this whole long and exhausting journey with Mum's health. However, sometimes it's necessary to take an extra step. Things came to a bit of a head this last weekend, and I decided, as a self-care strategy, to seek out a psychologist who was very helpful to me in working through my grief after Dad died a few years ago.

As I expected, it was good to talk through some of the issues, and I received some helpful insights. The psychologist has encouraged me to engage with her in a longer-term process of therapy, to help me explore some deeper things from my past that are feeding into my current situation. I remember reading, in The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck's insistence that everyone can benefit from therapy. I guess I'll get to see how true this is from personal experience.

So it looks like I'll be making more regular trips to Melbourne for the rest of the year.