It's interesting how dynamic life is, how incredibly quickly a day, or emotional state can go from being great and on a high, to falling to pieces.
I've recently been experiencing some ups and downs in a particular friendship. This person and I have known each other for a long time, and have been especially close for the past 18 months or so. A little while ago, our relationship took a bit of a beating which caused a great deal of pain.
However, in the past few weeks, my friend and I have talked a lot about how things are, and about how much we value the friendship that we have shared so deeply for so long, and I thought we were heading in the right direction to salvaging our friendship. Things were looking up; I was starting to feel at peace about the whole situation, and accepting the changes that needed to happen for us to continue on as friends. Things were starting to feel comfortable again. Yesterday, my friend had a great day, and was celebrating how great his life has become, and I was genuinely able to celebrate with him and feel happy for where he was at. I thought things were really looking up.
That was yesterday.
Today, everything fell into a heap for my friend, and also, it seems, for our friendship. It's a complicated situation, and I can't really share any more details, except to say that this is the significant relationship I wrote about in a previous post; the relationship that I was hoping and expecting to be a source of support and nurture for me through my mother's illness. After initially grieving the loss of this relationship, it seemed that it might have been salvageable, and I was feeling quietly relieved and happy about that, but now, I really just don't know what's going to happen.
Today I've been a bit teary. I think it's had something to do with my mental/emotional preparation to leave this place of healing and peace tomorrow, and during afternoon prayers, for some reason, my thoughts strayed to my mother and her situation, and the fact that one of the psalms chanted in that office was one I use frequently in funeral services, just set me off; and so I was sitting in the oratory, with tears streaming down my face, trying not to sniffle too loudly as I tried to keep up with the chanting. It was after this- in my already slightly dampened state- when I got back to my computer, that I received news of this new friendship issue. So during the next office, Vespers, the tears started again (it seems that once the floodgates open...)... and again during Compline, my favourite office of the day.
I usually find the Psalms used for Compline to be quite reassuring and steadying, so tonight, as the tears flowed (and yet again, the monks thankfully didn't seem to notice) I tried to hold onto the reassurance in these Psalms.
When I call, answer me, O God of justice;
from anguish you released me, have mercy and hear me!
...
It is the Lord who grants favours to those whom he loves;
the Lord hears me whenever I call him.
...
"What can bring us happiness?" many say.
Lift up the light of your face on us, O Lord.
You have put into my heart a greater joy
than they have from abundance of corn and new wine.
I will lie down in peace and sleep comes at once
for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety. (from Ps 4)
and:
Those who dwell in the shelter of the Most High
and abide in the shade of the Almighty
say to the Lord: "My refuge,
my stronghold, my God in whom I trust!" (from Ps 91)
So now, I will make myself a coffee, drink some more water (to replace those tears) and do my best to lie down in peace and hope for sleep to come at once.
2 comments:
I'm sorry to hear that Caro.
It is wonderful that some inroads were made towards healing your friendship. That gives hope for the future that one day you will regain the bond that you had.
Your friend obviously has some issues that he needs to sort out before your friendship can progress. It sounds like sorting these things out is going to be very difficult for him and may take much more time than expected. I'm sure he is also frustrated and sad. It is very easy at difficult times to take your emotions out on the people you feel closest to, thinking that they will love you anyway and not thinking how you might hurt them and what damage this may do.
Despite clearly caring very much about you, because of whatever else is happening in their life, your friend is not emotionally ready to work towards healing your relationship nor able to provide the support that you had hoped for. It sounds like this will yo-yo around for a while, giving you hope and causing you pain for a while yet before it gets better.
You will have to remind yourself that for the moment you cannot rely on him to provide any stability. You can have a limited friendship, but for the moment you will have to put some distance between the two of you emotionally or you will continue to get hurt.
If you can work out how to do any of this, please let me know. I've never been able to manage it without the other person taking that decision away from me, which is worse for the complete loss of the friendship.
Thanks Catherine,
Some wise words. And I can especially relate to your comment about having the decision taken away from you. In this case it has felt to me that I have always been the one who has had to just cope with decisions made by the other, and not made any of the decisions myself... so perhaps some food for thought in exploring how to change this, and take back some control.
(although it puts me in mind of something I heard or read quite a long time ago, that in any relationship, the person who cares the most always has the least power; and I have found that to ring true in this instance)
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