Why am I here?

I've been asking this question a bit lately. Far from being the great existential question about the ultimate meaning of life, for me right now, it's a lot more mundane.

When I arrived in Sydney 5 weeks ago, Mum was in a lot of pain, feeling generally quite ill, and was in the middle of a fortnight of radiotherapy. She wasn't able to do very much apart from sit in her comfortable chair and close her eyes to the world in an attempt to block out the pain.

I cooked, cleaned (well, a little bit), washed, shopped (usually on my own, as Mum couldn't bear to sit in the car for too long, or to walk around the supermarket), brought Mum her tablets, forced food upon her when she really wasn't hungry; basically I did almost everything for her. She needed me to do all this, because she couldn't do it herself.

Now, five weeks later, Mum is feeling much better. Not only is she pain free and eating much more enthusiastically, but she's also becoming quite energetic. Most mornings when I get up, Mum has already had her breakfast, and often has also done a load of washing and hung it on the airer on the back deck. The other day she grabbed the carpet sweeper and ran around the lounge room with it (she isn't quite strong enough to manage the vacuum cleaner). She has been insisting on doing all the washing up after meals, and last night she even cooked dinner.

When I first came here, I wanted to do whatever I needed to in order to help Mum, but didn't want to become a 'helicopter carer', always hovering and fussing over her unnecessarily.  So  Mum and I struck a deal; that I would let her maintain as much of her independence as possible, and do for herself for as long as she could, but as soon as any task became too much for her, she would tell me and let me either help her with it, or do it for her. 

Right now it seems that deal is redundant, as Mum is more than capable of doing most things for herself. This is kind of ironic, as I have just received word from Centrelink that my application for Carer Allowance has been approved (and the first payment hit my bank account today), and my application for Carer Payment (a more substantial pension payment) is also likely to be approved, once the supplemental information I provided today is processed. So, at the time when my role as Mum's carer is being officially recognised, her need for my care is at its least.

However, Mum and I are both determined to make the most of her current sense of wellbeing and energy. Today she had her hair cut and picked up a new set of glasses, with stylish new frames that look rather groovy. We have arranged for the unsightly (and dangerous when wet) black fungus to be removed from the drive and side path by a high-pressure cleaner... who knows what will be next?

I know that at some stage things will become very tough, when Mum's health starts to move into that final decline, and so I should think of times like now, when things are relatively easy, as times to enjoy being with Mum, creating memories to treasure in the future, and girding my loins in preparation for what's to come. But at the same time, I can't help but feel (even if only a little bit), that I'm not really needed, and may even be here under false pretenses.

Of course I know this isn't really the case, but sometimes, especially late at night when I can't sleep, strange things circulate in my mind.