Rocky road

Today was the 5th anniversary of Dad's death. As this day was approaching, I'd been wondering what (if anything) I should suggest to Mum that we do to observe the anniversary. In past years I know Mum has watched the DVD of Dad's funeral, but we didn't do that today. In fact, we didn't do anything special to mark the anniversary. At about 10pm, I mentioned to her that it was the day, and she said she knew, but didn't want to make a big deal of it. Dealing with her own situation is enough for her for now.

Since her fall a week and a half ago, Mum's general state has been up and down. Although she now has a wheelie walker, she can't use it to walk, as even the slightest exertion causes her to become quite breathless. So now, we use the wheelie walker as a wheelchair; Mum sits on the walker's seat, and I wheel her around on it.

Yesterday, Mum had a bad day. In the morning she was breathless and distressed. We both thought she might have ended up in hospital, but it didn't happen. After ringing the Greenwich hospital palliative care team, I gave her another Endone tablet, and that settled her breathing down, and calmed her down generally. She spent most of the day sleeping; but trying to do anything, even the least strenuous movement was excruciating for her. 

When she went to bed last night, her sleep sounded troubled, and her breathing laboured. When she snored, it sounded like she was moaning in her sleep, and it was hard to listen to as I lay awake in the next room. I prayed for God to take her in her sleep, as it pains me to see her suffering and so miserable.

Today was a slightly better day, without the distress, but still hard work for Mum to do anything other than sitting in her chair. She said again that she thinks she should be in hospital, mainly because she thinks that her dependence on me to help her with everything is too much for me to have to bear. I don't mind having to do all the things I do to support her, but it is hard to see my mother, who has always been so strong, active and capable, so helpless and scrawny.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? We're trying to just take one day at a time.