You know what I hate? You know what I hate? You know what I hate?

This was the catch phrase of '80s comedian Rodney Rude... and in the spirit of Rodney Rude, I feel the need to preface this post with a strong language advisory, as I may end up getting a bit ranty. 

I hate the fact that I have to watch my strong, smart, independent, funny mother fading away to a shadow of herself; both physically and mentally. It's all so fucking unfair.

I hate the way well meaning people keep telling me to 'be strong', or 'stay strong'. I know that they're just trying to be nice, or supportive, but do they really think I'm not already doing the best I can on that front?

I hate that I can't look at Mum, talk to her, or talk about her to anyone, without bursting into tears. So much for being strong, eh?

I hate that Mum woke up terrified in the middle of the night last night; convinced that there was someone in her room, wanting to do her harm.

I hate that my knees are giving me so much trouble- making it difficult and painful for me to get around the house and do the basic things I need to do in order to care for Mum. 

I hate the indignity of constipation, and then diarrhoea, and not making it to the bathroom in time, that causes Mum to live in perpetual fear of embarrassing herself.

I hate that I am so tired all the time, and now am almost afraid to go to sleep, in case Mum has another disturbed night and needs me.

I hate that everything is such an effort for Mum; that she can't even get up out of her chair without needing time to catch her breath. 

I hate that even though there are many people who have offered to help, (and I know that they genuinely do want to do whatever they can), whenever I ask one of them to do something, like sit with Mum so I can go out to do some shopping, or have some 'me' time, or to do anything else for us, it feels to me like I am somehow failing, or being selfish to want some time to myself (even though I know how necessary this is).

I hate that cancer is such a slow, sneaky bastard of a disease, that is having its way with my mother, and taking its own sweet, fucking time about it.